


I Don't Know If This Is Love

by JennyUdinov



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, BaekYeol - Freeform, Baekhyun Has A Shitty Life, Byun Baekhyun - Freeform, Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol - Freeform, ChanBaek - Freeform, Chanyeol Has A Marshmallow Heart, Depression, Drama, EXO - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Park Chanyeol - Freeform, Suicide Attempt, Trust Issues, i'm not gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 06:07:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10713756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyUdinov/pseuds/JennyUdinov
Summary: So this was inspired by Baekhyun taking Chanyeol's hand at the MAMA





	I Don't Know If This Is Love

“I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!” A loud scream went through the abandoned building, echoing in every corner of every room.  
Another sound followed the boy’s scream. Glass breaking, shattering and one more scream of desperation. 

 

Chanyeol got startled by all that noise, because people never went to this building and for the last few years Chanyeol visited it a lot. No one was ever there, in the middle of the night. That’s why he loved this place, it was peaceful and calm. Chanyeol spent most of his nights here on the rooftop, thinking about his life. How things will go, making plans for his future. 

What he should do to continue the image of the perfect son, that his parents had of him. The perfect best friend, that his so called ‘friends’ had him for. All the fake relationship he had to continue, for the sake of his good future. 

People saw Chanyeol as representation of the word Pefection. He came from a middle standard family, he never had to worry about money problems, like most of his friends. He was always well dressed and good looking. High grades, smart and thoughtful. Never disappointing anyone, even the girls, that were running after him daily, he turned down in the most gentle way. 

Everybody wanted to be friends with him, the good kid, the perfect kid. But Chanyeol knew better, they were all jealous and envious, hating him for simply being something more than them. It was always a mystery to Chanyeol, why people spent so much time hating and enving, instead of working on themselves and become the thing they envy. 

He believe that every person can achieve anything in this world, he just had to work hard for it, but people didn’t think like him, they were too narrow minded to understand. That fact made him sad. Everybody around him were fake, being friends with him only because they had some benefit, either take his homework or just say that they are close with him. Chanyeol really needed someone, real and honest, that will smile at him with the kindness of his heart and tell him ‘Let’s be friends’ but there were no such people around.

 

Baekhyun had another one of his drunk breakdowns, crying and yelling at the world. Blaming it, that his life was a disaster, mother that tried her best to give him love, but ended up hating him, after his ‘mistake’ as she liked to call it. A father who beat him up every night after coming home, because he wasn’t the good boy, he was raised to be and expected to be. Blaming him that he ruined all of their lives, by simply existing. 

His mother stopped trying to tell her husband, that it’s not Baekhyun's fault and save him from being beaten, because she started to think, that he deserves what he gets, only because he had admitted his feeling for the 'wrong' person. Baekhyun remembers the day when he came out to his mother, seeking support, to tell his father as well, without getting killed. 

But instead support, he received a slap on the face and a lot of yelling. He never told his father about his sexuality, but his mother hated him and never looked at him the same way, as before. 

Baekhyun never really had any friends, he was the quiet child, that nobody wanted to be friends with, because he looked weird. From that moment and until today, he was completely alone on this earth, no one cared for him and everybody wished him only harm.

 

“A-are you okay?” A trembling deep voice, asked from behind Baekhyun. He turned around stumbling, seeing a blurry tall figure into the darkness. 

“Go away” he mumbled. Not caring who was that and what was he doing there. Baekhyun wanted to stay alone, drink, cry and yell as much as his body could handle and hopefully finally die.

 

Chanyeol was staring at the boy, he was shorter than him, messy hair. Tears streaming down his red cheeks, holding a broken bottle in his hand. Chanyeol knew better, than to mess with other people’s lives, especially when there is a danger to his own. 

But this boy looked like, he was drowning in pain. Chanyeol couldn’t leave him like that, he would leave if the situation was different, but not after seing him like this. Chanyeol's heart ached, every time he saw someone in pain. And what he was seeing right now, was beyond what a human being, can handle on It's own.

“You’re drunk, let’s get you home” Chanyeol said calmly, taking a step towards the boy.

“I told you to go away!” He yelled and pointed the broken glass at Chanyeol. He raised his hands, trying not to provoke the boy further “Okay relax, just relax” The boy started giggling through his tears, it wasn’t really a laugher.

”So what now, you're scared that, I’ll take your precious life?” Chanyeol frowned, because he thought about that, but judging by the condition they were both in, this boy couldn’t really hurt him. He just wanted to help him. While Chanyeol was thinking what to do, the boy threw the bottle on the groud.

“I might be a lot of things, but I’m not a killer” Chanyeol’s tense eased and took few more steps, towards the boy. They were both facing the hole in the wall, that was supposed to be a window. Looking at the moon, in the summer night.

 

Baekhyun was feeling embarrassed, because someone saw him in this state. No one has ever seen him cry or even whine, but this person saw how weak he really was. He saw how vulnerable he is and he hated that, but couldn’t stop the tears, that were coming out like rivers, even if he wanted to. And the alcohol wasn’t really helping. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder, the comfort this stranger was giving him, only by one single touch, made Baekhyun want more. Turning around, shoving himself against the taller one, hugging him tightly. Tears streaming even more now, sobbing. Baekhyun longed for someone to just be there for him. After a second he felt, long arms wrapping tightly around him, one of them, slowly stroking his back.

 

Chanyeol was glad that he could give some comfort to this boy, it made him feel better, knowing that no matter what he was going through, even for a moment he could gave him something, that the boy needed. They stayed like that for awhile, until the boy calmed down and Chanyeol stepped away.

“Let’s take you home” He said with a soft smile and comforting tone, the boy shook his head.

“No, I can’t go home..Not like this, he will surely kill me” The second part, was more likely talking to himself, but Chanyeol gathered two and two.

 

“Then I’ll stay here, until you’re sober enough to get home” Baekhyun was surprised from the taller’s statement. He didn’t even know him, why would he want to stay, without a reason. The other boy was softly smiling at him, even that smile was giving him comfort and Baekhyun wasn’t ready to let go of that and he didn’t care why the other was doing this. He only nodded in agreement, as they both sat on the ground, leaning at the wall.

Baekhyun sighed “Thank you” He looked at the other, who was already staring at him, slightly smiling at him, with warmth in his eyes. It almost seemed like he cared for Baekhyun, but that was just impossible.

 

Chanyeol kept looking at the boy, wonder what must’ve he been through, to have so much pain inside and how much more is hidden. He wanted to help this boy, but Chanyeol had no idea how to do that. From the looks of it, any small thing can make everything even worse, for the poor boy. 

He saw him shiver, Chanyeol took his jacket off and covered the boy’s shoulders, but he didn’t expect for him fall into his arms, already asleep. Chanyeol hugged him, leaning the boy's head on his shoulder and closing his own eyes with a small smile, while waiting for the sun to come up.

 

When Baekhyun opened his eyes, he needed a moment to remember where he was, but as soon as he felt, two strong arms around him. He remembered everything that happened the night before. 

“Oh shit…” Baekhyun sighed, the sun was already rising and he should’ve been back home by now, he had to hurry if he doesn’t want another beating.

“You’re awake?” The husky voice startled Baekhyun, he slowly moved away from the arms, that were holding all of his emotions together. Baekhyun was emberrased, confused and nervous, he had no idea what to do with the stranger.

“You stayed..” The taller one smiled sofly, making Baekhyun want to hug him again and never let go, because that was the only place where he felt safe and normal.

“I told you I would, until you’re okay to go home” Baekhyun looked away, making himself stand up and taking a few steps back of his Comfort source. Scratching his nape nerveously.

“Thank you for that and for what you did lastnight, really. But…” The taller one ended the sentence.

“But you have to go” Baekhyun only nodded, seeing the understanding in the other one’s eyes. He hesitated if he should ask about the taller one’s name, but it wasn’t like he will see him again and if he wanted to say it, he would’ve introduced himself already. Baekhyun turned around, making amends with the idea, that he will never see this person again and that the comfort he felt, will stay forever in his memory and never repeat itself.

 

“Wait!” Chanyeol said, as he was looking at the boy walking away, but instead of turning around, he just stopped, standing there, like he didn’t want to look back. Chanyeol didn’t know why the boy did that, but continued with what he wanted to say.

“I didn’t get your name” He was looking at the back of the boy, his head leaned forward, taking a deep breath. He seemed somewhat relieved and turned around, with the smallest of smiles, Chanyeol had ever seen, but yet sincere, reaching his eyes, sparkling.

“Baekhyun, my name is Baekhyun” He reached out his hand for a shake, Chanyeol walked closer, taking his small hand in his big one, shaking it “Chanyeol, Park Chanyeol” he was happy because, it looked like he had finally found someone, who was real and honest, someone he could proudly call a friend.

 

 

Over a week had passed, Chanyeol haven’t seen Baekhyun, since that night. He remembers how his mother asked him where he was, when he got home around 7AM. He only replied, that he was with friends. He had no problem with his parents about missing a night at home, but was it the same for Baekhyun’s, Chanyeol wondered. 

He worked at a coffee, a part time job, over the summer. It wasn’t really hard, because there were only customers from the neighbourhood, there weren’t a lot of people.  
“Can I have one Iced Americano” Familiar voice asked, Chanyeol turned around excited, to see Baekhyun, staning on the other side of the counter, with a little smile on his face. Chanyeol couldn’t hide his happiness and smiled widely.

 

Baekhyun spent days gathering information about Chanyeol, he had asked around and almost every person knew him, saying how perfect his life was. Baekhyun learned, that no matter what happens, Chanyeol won’t put his and family's image at risk, by doing the wrong thing, just like Baekhyun did with his ex-boyfriend. 

Baekhyun knew that there was no point of trying to become closer with him, because in the end Chanyeol would leave him, choose his dignity over him. Telling Baekhyun that he is a disgrace and that he is disgusted, of him thinking that they could both be together. 

Baekhyun knew this was going to end badly for him, that it would hurt him to the point of no repair, but he had nothing else to live for. This was the only person that made sense in his life, that made him feel worth something and he wasn’t going to give up. He was going to try, because as much as he thought of leaving things like this, only made him miss that comfort even more. He knew that here was no turning back for him, he was in love. Stupidly in love with a strange that he barely knew, because he gave him what he needed in a time of weakness and he wanted more, he needed more, and he was going to get it, or die trying.

Seeing the happiness, that Chanyeol was raying, made Baekhyun more confident in his plan, to become closer and closer with Chanyeol. He didn’t expect this kind of reaction, which meant, that Chanyeol wanted contact. He still couldn’t believe that he was in love, but the butterflies that flew in Baekhyun's stomach, when he saw that smile, comfirmed it.

“Of couse!” Chanyeol replied cheerfully, while he started preparing the coffee.

“You look happy” Baekhyun stated, still trying to convince himself, that it’s not because of him and all of this will only make his life unbearable.

“Yeah, you came, I thought I’d never see you again” Chanyeol replied, while greening with his white teeth. So it really was because of Baekhyun, he felt a smile spreading across his own face and he didn’t stop it, he wanted to be happy, at least once in his life.

“How did you find me though?” Chanyeol asked confused, Baekhyun chuckled at his expression, it was cute.

“I have my ways” And winked at Chnayeol, makling him smile again. Maybe, just maybe Baekhyun had a chance of an happy ending after all.

 

 

Another week passed, Chanyeol was happy because he finally had, that friend he always wanted, not fake but pure. He wasn’t spending time with him because he needed something from Chanyeol, he just liked him, for the person that he was. Everyday coming early in the morning at the café, spending the whole day there. Chatting with him, joking around and having fun. Chanyeol was even more glad, that there wasn’t sadness or tears in Baekhyun’s eyes anymore. He was smiling and enjoying life, same as him. He really hoped, that this friendship would last long and make both of them happier, than they were before.

It was time to close the coffee shop. Just like everyday, Baekhyun waited for Chanyeol to fishish and lock up. But today Baekhyun seemed worried, he didn’t smile or laugh, he was back to that same face, that he had the morning, after they spent the night at the building. Chanyeol was worried as well, he didn’t want his friend to feel like that, ever again.

“What’s wrong?” Chanyeol decided to break the silence, while he locked the door. Baekhyung didn’t reply, Chanyeol turned to face him and he kind of got frightethened from what he saw.

 

“Come with me” Baekhyun was determent, to tell Chanyeol how he felt about him tonight, he knew that he was going to be rejected, that it would break him to million pieces, but he couldn’t wait anymore. He had nothing to lose, he wanted him and nothing else, if there was a chance, it was now or never.

Baekhyun grabbed Chanyeol’s hand and started pullihng him down the road, towards the building, where they first met.

“Baekhyun, what are you doing?” Chanyeol was confused, but he wasn’t fighting Baekhyun, he didn't want to stop him, because clearly, he wanted them to go somewhere. Again he didn’t get a reply, there was nothing good to say, not now, not here.

When they were at the building, Baekhyun let go of him. Walking few steps ahead, with his back towards Chanyeol, taking a deep breath.

“Baekhyun..Are you okay?” He could hear the worry in Chnayeol's voice and after a second his warm arm on his shoulder. Baekhyun shook his head.

“I’m not..I..” He could feel the slight squeeze and then Chanyeol walked, in front of him, to face him now. Baekhyun was fighting his tears, tears of being scared and terrified, that Chanyeol would leave him, after his confession.

“What is it? Something with your parents?” Baekhyun shook his head, looking down at the ground as he spoke.

“I..I have feelings for you, Chanyeol.. And before you say anything, I know.. I know everything.. I know that you can’t let yourself be with a guy, because of how your life is and what will happen to it, when people start talking. I know you might not even have feelings for me, but I really like you. It happened because you gave me the one thing, that I needed the most, care. You gave me love when no one else did, for years. I know what you’re going to say, but I just had to confess, because seeing you every day and not being able to express how I feel about you, made me go crazy. I want to hold your hand, I want to hug you, I want to.. kiss you…I just couldn’t hold it inside me, anymore..I’m sorry”

 

Chanyeol was beyond surprised, that words couldn’t even begin to describe. He thought that this boy was just being good and kind, because he wanted to be friends with him, but Chanyeol was wrong, Baekhyun wanted something more..

“Baekhyun..I’m...I’m not gay, hell I’ve never even dated anyone”

“I know” The boy said, as he kept looking at the ground. Chanyeol really had no idea what to say to this and he knew that their friendship came to an end, the moment Baekhyun’s words left his mouth. Chanyeol was mad, mad at himself, mad at Baekhyun, mad at everything..

“You know what, exactly!?” He started yelling, without thinking.

“Since you know everything, why did you say all this, since you know how I’m going to react, why did you had to confess. Why did you even come to me, at the café in the first place, since you knew that you couldn’t get what you want!” Tears started coming down Baekhyun's face, choking on his words.

“Because.. I love you…” Chanyeol huffed and walked pass Baekhyun, shoving him with his shoulder and walking away, leaving the boy all alone, to drown in his sorrow.

 

 

Chanyeol was in his bed, shifting and turning. Trying to find a peaceful place, but he couldn’t. He knew that his actions towards Baekhyun were cruel and that no one should ever treat a person like that, never. But Chanyeol was so mad, because he let his guard down and got fooled again. Not noticing, that Baekhyun wanted something more, than just friendship.

Chanyeol was blinded by the idea of having a friend, that he probably destroyed this poor boy's life, made it even more unbearable for him, than it already was, breaking his already so damaged heart. Now that he was thinking about it, all the little jokes and teases, that Baekhyun made through this week. The light touches, he was trying to show him, but Chanyeol was blind for that. He could’ve taken a hint earlier if he was more careful, now Chanyeol felt impossibly bad, because of what he said to Baekhyun, only because he had trust issues, the boy didn't deserve this.

 

Few days passed and through that time Chanyeol thought a lot, about everything. What he wanted out of life and who was Baekhyun to him, he knew that only one week of time, spent with him wasn't enough to make this decision, but despite what people were saying about him, not taking risks, he was going to take this one. Chanyeol reazlized that there was actually something more to this, than just wanting a simple friendship. 

Chanyeol never really wanted to help people, the image of being like that, was made up by people, making him even more 'perfect'. He didn’t know how to help, but when he saw that boy, helpless. Chanyeol felt like he had to help him. After that, he wanted to spend more time with Baekhyun and he was happy by the fact of seeing and having him around. Analyzing everything, Chanyeol thought that maybe, there could actually be something more to it and he was going to tell all of this to Baekhyun, next time he sees him. 

He knew, that his reputation would go to hell and people would start talking bad about him, but at least he could count on his family. Chanyeol was sure, that they won’t cast him away, if he says that he likes a boy. He wanted to try this, whatever this was. After all the thinking, Chanyeol came to the conclusion, that he deosn’t want to end things with Baekhyun. He needs him in his life, this was the only real person, he had ever met and he wanted to keep him. For that one week Baekhyun was more honest to him, than friendships for over 5 years, that Chanyeol had with some of his classmates. He needed Baekhyun by his side, no matter of the relationship, even if he had to risk his future in this town.

 

 

After what happened with Chanyeol, Baekhyun didn’t want to live anymore. He saw him as the only chance of getting out of the shitty life, that he had been living all of this time. He saw him as a ray of sunshine in the darkest days, he saw him as hope for a better life, a happy life. The only person that could've made him happy, told him to go fuck himself.

There was nothing worth living for, anymore. Baekhyun was planning to end his own life awhile ago. Then he met Chanyeol, out of nowhere, who stopped him from doing that and now that he wasn’t there anymore, he was finally free to do it. He wanted to jump off the building's rooftop, that was the only place, that felt like home to him. But before that, Baekhyun wanted to see Chanyeol, one last time before he goes.

Chanyeol was locking the door to the café, across the street, Baekhyun was watching him from the shadows. As Chanyeol turned around, his eyes went through the darkness, as if they were looking for him. Baekhyun just stood there, expecting Chanyeol to turn around and pretend he didn’t see him, but instead, Chanyeol crossed the road and walked towards him. 

Now Chanyeol was standing few feet away from Baekhyun.

“What are you doing here?” His voie didn’t sound mad, as Baekhyun expected, it was kind of surprised. Baekhyun lowered his head, under his hoody, tryingto hide, he didn’t want to show his face.

“I just wanted to see you, one last time” He admitted, when he felt Chanyeol's hand a under his chin.

“Baek..What’s this” Chanyeol was worried now, his voice soft as velvet, lifting his head up “Who did this to you?!” Baekhyun moved away, remembering how, his father caught him crying last night and beat him senselessly, because ‘men don’t cry’

“It’s nothing” Baekhyun stepped away, thinking that this was a mistake, to come and see Chanyeol. Now he wanted to stay close to him, he didn’t want to die, he wanted to live, he wanted to live for this person. He knew, that this comfort was only for a moment and that the taller one doesn't love him back. He took a deep breath and turned around to walk away, but Chanyeol grabbed his wrist, turning him around to face each other. 

His other hand was already on Baekhyun’s bruised cheek and after a second Chanyeol’s lips were on Baekhyun’s, gently kissing him. Baekhyun stepped away, he was afraid of Chanyeol’s actions, he reacted as if he was burned, not kissed.

“What are you doing” Baekhyun asked frightened, trying to pull his hand away from Chanyeol's grip, but he wasn’t going to let him go. He put his other hand around Baekhyun’s waist and pulled him closer.

“I want you in my life, I want this, whatever this is. I don’t care if people will talk, I don’t even care if my parents will agree, because you are the only real person, I have met and if this is, what it takes to keep you in my life, I will do it” Baekhyung tried to move away, because he didn’t want to believe any of his words and he didn’t want to push Chanyeol in something, that he will regret afterwards.

“I can’t make you do this Chanyeol, you have a perfect life and if you do this, you will regret it and I won’t let that happen. I changed my mind, I don’t want this, I don’t want you, I just…” He couldn’t finish, because of Chanyeol pressing his lips firmly against Baekhyun’s. He tried to fight it, but it was no use, Chanyeol was stronger than him, so he gave into the kiss, that he desired for so long.

“Chanyeol you said it yourself, you're not gay..” Baekhyun protested, as soon as they parted.

“I told, I don’t care about anything, I just want one thing and that is you, okay? I don't know if this is love, that I'm feeling towards you, but I don't want you gone. I want you here, near me” Chanyeol gripped him even tighter, they were staring into eachother’s eyes for awhile and then they both gave into their feelings. Even though everything was a fucked up mess, they were going to work it out together, no matter what everybody else says, the only thing that mattered to them right now were each other and their collided lips, under the summer rain.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking time to read this I Love You <3  
> Speacial thanks to my friend Kristina! \^o^/


End file.
